I’ve been thinking about willpower a lot lately. The power to will something into being. We witness megalomaniacal men ‘will’ their vision into being. Their violent monstrous imagination made manifest. Thousands of people die, because some motherfucker wanted it so. The whole world tilts on the axis of audacity of those who will themselves into prominence. And, conversely, the insecurity of those who feel like they are powerless.
And I’m sitting here, all thoughtful, worrying if my tiny words might offend someone. “I just didn’t want to be rude…”¹ I’m the person who will sit by the windowseat on a plane having to pee, but not wanting to disturb my sleeping neighbor. So I will not pee. You see what I mean? I WILL stay uncomfortable and unheard to protect the assumed tranquility of the other. My nervous system has learned that’s the safe route. You might recognize this behavior in relationships, and how detrimental it is in the long run.
Now it’s easy to think: I am a good person for taking others into account. He is a bad person for not taking anyone into account. But these are two sides of the same coin. Self-aggrandizing and self-denial aren’t virtuous. Both of these are behavioral patterns that stem from the trauma of not being truly seen as a child. Trying to extract crumbs of love and acknowledgement through controlling the environment, either with brute force, or through silent scheming. Over-adaptation to the needs and whims of others, as well as a complete incapacity to register the experience of others, is indicative of unhealed wounding in our psyche. And many of us struggle with this.
I look at the state of our world and don’t know how to solve this immediately. It often feels overwhelming. But I can logically infer that if wounding stems from not being truly seen when we needed it, our collective medicine might have something to do with truly seeing one another now². I want to be entirely present when you share your experience of reality, and I want to be totally open to share mine with you, in equal measure. When all performative niceness and performative aloofness fall away, we are left in the center of presence. And that’s vulnerable. It’s liberating. It’s loving.
I look at the megalomaniacal men force-feeding their will to us be-will-dered spectators. But we don’t really want what they have to offer. And I wonder: Where did they find the audacity? I want some of that audacity. So I spit the spoon-fed formula out of my mouth. This doesn’t nourish me at all. And I search for my own will. One that is neither reckless nor self-effacing. My true will is always communal, interdependent. Always a shared abundance. And the commune includes me and everyone else; it’s planetary. Let us see each other, truly. Let us will a reality into being that benefits life for everyone.
¹ reference to the song: I Was Gonna Fight Fascism by Soccer96 and Alabaster DePlume. It’s painfully relevant these days. Give it a listen.
² this is what I offer the collective through Clarity Sessions – a container in which you can be truly seen and witnessed in your experience of reality. If this sounds like something that might benefit you right now, I have spaces available, just send me a message.
Yvet Youssef 